Prayer and dreams of love passed.

The word “love” is apparently, one of my most used words on social media, along with the word “family”.

A year ago today, we said goodbye to our oldest, dearest friend and 4 years ago last week, my dad.

Yesterday,  I found out about my ex brother-in-laws passing. We hadn’t had contact in many. many years but at one time we were very close and we were family.

Love.

Family.

Are they lost?  No.

Do you think your physical body and your unconscious mind remember that love? Do we recognize that profound emotion even if we are unaware?

Is love like muscle memory that awakens in you when you haven’t used it or felt it after a loved one leaves this earth?

Can an unconscious thought in a dream trigger an all encompassing wave of emotion that one forgets they are no longer here with you? Or are they here with us all always, waiting to be called, filling us with their eternal love?

Are we afraid to call upon them because we feel it’s too weird or crazy?

Isn’t that what those of us anchored in Catholicism have learned through prayer? 🙏🏻

I pray when I paint – to my family and for my family – for me if I’m lucky enough to have you in my life – you are my family and I pray for you.  😚 in a sense, I pray with you, while I paint.

Dad came into my dreams this week looking for my mother – he wasn’t sure he’d remember her – so I went to find her and I brought her to him. It felt so real. It felt like pure love. His love for her and for my mother.

I’ve felt his presence here lately especially after the birth of Sofia. There were signs of him the week before she was born – Castle Hill sheets (his old neighborhood in the Bronx) – his sports illustrated magazine falling at my feet while  I was OCD cleaning for the baby’s arrival – did he drop it from heaven?

I knew he wouldn’t miss it. Family was everything to him. Another girl – a first born and it made perfect sense that she was. Talk about love. Another level I never thought possible.

It was a strange dream but most dreams are, aren’t they? While sleeping, I felt overwhelming love and I remember wondered if my dad knew that this was a most appropriate time to gift it me. Did his spirit envelope me during a time that I was feeling a resurgence of grief and a whole lot of passing time.

A year ago today, I promised myself -again – consistent studio work. I’ve kept that promise but I feel compelled to tell you that my fragile inner self often comes to the surface and I may appear more vulnerable, more intense, maybe a little dark and certainly a lot more sensitive.

I assure you, if you’ve noticed a difference that there is nothing wrong- accessing one’s soul to share thoughts and ideas via art is not an easy task or for the faint of heart.

I stopped painting in the past because it frightened me – guess I had a faint heart – whatever that means – and joked often about being most scared of my own imagination. Perhaps it’s not my imagination that I’m afraid of but of revealing it to the universe.

Who wants to look crazy? And what about the kids? Haha

Bear with me please – I want to keep growing as an artist and as a person and for some reason this forum allows me to be authentic.

This is most important to me – an important first step – an internet coming out. Taking off the mask is such hard work and it is often difficult to transition from mom, now grandmother, to artist, while contemplating the meaning in one’s life.

What is it anyway?

Is it to bear and take care of another’s life for life? I’m often unbearable as a result. 😳

Because of our political climate I feel energetically we could all use some extra love without judgement and at this very moment in the universe, I send all of you and your families my blessings of love and a great big cyber hug.

Live your dreams out with me. Share them even if you think they’re nutso.

I am trying,  despite my fear. 💛